November 18, 2003
A MASSIVE EVENT IS COMPLETED
I was recently asked by The Flaming Lips to open for them as they toured the United Kingdom. Dutifully, I accepted.
CHAPTER ONE: THE VERY PRODUCTIVE VOID
I.
Like an alarming number of interesting events in my life, my most recent rock and roll tour (OPERATION MASSIVE EVENT) began in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
The decision was made to rehearse for OPERATION MASSIVE EVENT in the great Sooner State for several reasons:
1) 66.66666% of my new band (see below) is from the Midwest.
2) For purposes of deep and meditative focus I required an inexpensive, centrally located rehearsal space where ALMOST NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. Courtesy of The Starlight Mints, just such a space was provided. We are eternally grateful.
3) A living space was offered to me free of charge in The Flaming Lips' "compound". This fact also serves as a handy metaphor for the impossible luck I've had.
4) I felt it necessary to increase my understanding of herd mentality as it relates to college football.
5) It was foretold in the Space Lobster Invasion Readiness Plan.
And so once again I left my cozy roost beneath the Brooklyn Bridge for Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
II.
As I drove headlong across the ample bosom of this most verdant country, my mind began to explore the infinite possibilities of a large-scale rock tour in the United Kingdom with The Flaming Lips. I began to wonder aloud and in verse:
"Will there be flashlights? And giant balloons?
Will there be bunnies and goldfish and dancing baboons?
And what of the British, the Welsh and the Scots?
I hope that they like me, lots and lots and lots.
I'll play timpampaloozas and boggle-dee frumpets
While they sip their tea and snack upon crumpets-"
I was issued two speeding tickets on my journey, and one warning for being very disappointing while rhyming.
Undaunted, I arrived in Kansas City, MO to pick up the thunderous and wily Jason Gerken, who would be serving as DRUMWOLF for the duration of OPERATION MASSIVE EVENT. Jason is pictured below.
With DRUMWOLF in tow I set off to acquire the legendary multi-instrumentalist Derek "P.B." Brown. Mr. Brown had recently left his gig as Liz Phair's keyboard ace and was perhaps a bit over qualified to tour with a nanotechnology obsessed defunct kids' show host. Fearing this, we quickly plied him with hard cider and a large plastic bag of 20-dollar bills. He acquiesced and began the daunting task of learning all three chords employed on Songs For Dustmites.
Derek "P.B." Brown, above.
[To those of you who continually suggest that Mr. Brown is actually notorious 12-year-old Dutch piano prodigy Gaer Gustavson: We tire of your insinuations. This is a false and scurrilous rumor and all "Child Labor Violation Claims" should be directed to our attorney, Paul Edmond Ford, esq. at Ford@ftrain.com.]
III.
And so it was that DRUMWOLF, Derek, and I began the process of playing songs in highly repetitive fashion.
As is the custom with indie rock, we cast lots and read runes to decide who would play what. DRUMWOLF won and chose the lyre. When one could not be located, he decided instead to play the thundering drums of rock and roll.
Derek immediately chose keyboards, muttering something in Dutch and making frequent references to "the Motherland."
I played the guitar- blazingly and with tremendous aplomb.
As band leader I sometimes found it necessary to gaze at my band in a manner suggesting, "There is great meaning in our endeavour," and at the same time, "The smell is back."
At night we sat and stared at things. During this process I became 30 years old. We celebrated with more staring.
Soon we were adept. The zero hour was upon us.
It was time to initiate OPERATION MASSIVE EVENT.