correspondence
we receive many emails, some of them shocking. below is a selection of our favorites. all are absolutely real.
if you would like to contact us, send email to steve@steveswebpage.com
we removed all the names.
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: A fan from the Golden Gate bridge city...
Steve, I went to a Britney Spears concert recently and even though I had fun, her lip synching made me miss you even more! Please continue to rest up and plan out the next tour! Your fans miss you!
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To: steve@steveswebpage.comSubject: Blues Cluez
Hey, I'm just wondering, are you really the guy from Blues Clues? because I loved that show! I especially like the mail song! "here's the mail it never fails it makes me wanna wag my tail when it comes I wanna wail M A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Good times. I thought you died of a drug overdose.
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: latta love
Steve,
Thank you for loving my favorite band in the world, the Flaming Lips. No one knows who they are, they're like my little, beautiful secret that I keep in my boom box. But you know who they are, so it's no secret now. It's ok. Can you please give them my below message? Right-o. Thank you.
Dear Flaming Lips,
Thank you for loving Steve. Thank you for creating music that means so much to me that sometimes I forget all the smog in life and I just breathe.
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: I just have to know...
This is going to sound extremely stange. I really can't even believe I am going to ask you this. I know there is no way you will send me an answer. I have been wondering about it though. So, I just thought, what the hell! Here goes(holds breath)...
Do you have sensitive nipples?
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: Very important. Please read.
Okay Steve, this is very important, I must ask you a favor, would you buy me a pair of tickets to the Radiohead concert in Boston next August 13? Wait, before you send this mail directly to trash, please read my explanation. First of all, I wanted to invite you to a Radiohead concert, would you accept? I'd love to hear yes. My name is —, I live in — but much probably I'll be able to make a trip to NY next August, so, being Radiohead performing near Boston could be a good chance to attend.
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: (no subject)
Dude, I didn't know how psycho you really are. You rock now. Squirrels are awesome, too. But science sucks. Besides, wasn't the love and science thing done back in the 80's? C'mon, Steve, you can do better! Although, it is better than rap. So, I ran out of rambling, so rock on, dude.
—
I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: hello
I just wanted to drop you a line to say hello. I wrote you a letter a few years back when you were still on Blue's Clues but I'm sure you don't remember with all the letters you must get. Anyway, I will tell you a little about myself and if I sound interesting enough, you can write me back.
Before I decided on music, I was going to be an Egyptologist and move to Cairo. I have always been interested in Egyptian culture (mainly religious) and now I am broadening this interest to include Hinduism and Buddhism as well. I have named my last two cats after gods (Anubis and Parvati) and I keep a collection of gods from the above mentioned religions on top of my television. :)
Anyway, I hope I am interesting enough for you to want to respond. I have been a fan of yours for a long time and I hope to see more of you in the future. Take care.
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: (no subject)
Well, I know someone else is reading this for you but here it goes anyways....after I saw you on an episode of Law and Order (I think), I quit looking at you as a child's idol and began seeing you as a MAN! There is something strangely provocative about you, and strangely sexy! I am sure you get this a lot from strange, lonely woman (and I assure you, I am none of these!) and if it wasn't from the amount of alcohol in my system now, I wouldn't be writing this (you know, no inhibitions and all), but if you are ever in my area, it would be worth your while.
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: and what's wrong with forever
I'm sorry that you had to think so very, etc long to decide to leave Blue's Clues. In other words, Captain Kangaroo aka Bob Keeshan made a bad life decision only to be known as the Capt. for the rest of his life? I don't know who your chief advisor was or if you got out your notebook and put the "Clues" together to leave but ......bad decison. And what's next you're going to shoot yourself in the foot? My little toddler will continue to enjoy "your shows" in your abscence.
Mother of a 4-year old. :(
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Hi Steve. I am a 24 year old married mom of two and I would LOVE to spank you. I know you've heard this plenty of times, but I REALLY, REALLY want to. You don't understand, I can't even look at Joe. I want you. Please come back to me baby. I need to see you.
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: Kickstart your music
I love your work. My son Jedi is a huge fan.
If you want to kickstart your music career I would suggest a pro-war song but with your flair and understanding.
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: STYX ROCKS!!!!
Hey there Steve! I saw Styx in concert Saturday night. It was so great! I screamed until I lost my voice. It was awesome! I wish I spend every night going to their concerts. I love them! They are my favorite band.
Well...gotta go!
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
so mabey I have a bit of an obsession with you but i can't help it. I have printed out every picture i have been able to find of you and stuck it on my wall. I have still yet to discover any nude photos. Which would be very nice. DO YOU HAVE ANY? I suggest you put up an adult page with lots of hot sexy nude photos of you, i can already bet you tons of women will be on it in a heartbeat. Enjoy your afternoon, oh and please, please, please keep your hair long and the facial hair off. you look hot with out it!
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: You
I am so relieved that it is finally appropriate to now say aloud that I have serious hots for you and would do anything for a chance meeting in a darkened alleyway. I have suppressed these oversexed feelings for you for quite sometime, considering you were a preschool children's idol. I hope you don't mind hearing such naughtiness, but after seeing shots of you swilling beer, I feel that I am on the right track here. I'll be happy to send pictures, if that would seal the deal. By the way, Joe sucks.
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: I'm writing from Japan
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
I'm 24years Japanese.
I have two sons and my first son watching Blue's clues video every days.
He likes it very much and learning English from it. I'm also do it . It is very fun and easy to understand. Your pronuanciation is really wonderful!!
Especially I like you sing a song.
Of course we love about Blue!!!!!
She really cute.
And you are so cool!!
I hope you will come back to Blue's clues again.....
Lots of love!
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: real and genuine
Steve,
I must say that I believe you have a nice butt. I really mean it.
— —, Ph.D.
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: a proposal.
dear steve,
i know this is very far in advance, but you are a busy guy so i ask you now: would you like to go to my prom with me?
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: Blues Clues
Steve
I think the web site is great, did you do it yourself? I think the whole BC thing is hilarious, I watch it sometimes with my kid. Ever since I saw my first episode of BC, I have had only one question, after you are done [censored] a chick, have you ever thought of [censored] with a blue paw print? I hope you don't think this is mean, I think it would be hilarious, and I wish that I was the host of Blues Clues so that I could do it. I have a ton of respect for you, and you should really try it.
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: A bit of advice
You look MUCH, MUCH, MUUUCCCCHHH better with hair on your head and without facial hair.
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To: steve@steveswebpage.com
Subject: Actual scientific reasons why I'd hate for you to be under an electron microscope...
Keeping in mind that I know you're kidding about being under an electron microscope, speaking as a histologist and a quick-draw on the rotary and ultramicrotome (and after having answered the question for someone else earlier tonight)...
1. In both scanning electron microscopy and transmission electron microscopy, the images are always black and white, not in color. Even so...
2. ...since we're not looking at a Steve Burns cross-section, you would have to be using a super-huge scanning electron microscope rather than a super-huge TEM, in which case...
3. ...we would need to sputter coat you with a layer of carbon and then a layer of gold or gold-palladium. And even though that might have a neat, Auric Goldfinger-esque effect, and despite the fabulous depth of focus and dimension you get with EM, I'd just as soon not turn you into any sort of scanning or transmission electron microscopy specimen because, in order to do that...
4. ...you'd have to be dead.